In the past I would use drugs and alcohol to be able to socialize. I found myself to be wild and free. I had the confidence to go anywhere and do anything. These days I do not have any chemicals to alter my awareness.
When I first got sober, I quickly jumped into a relationship and became pregnant. I was in the throws of motherhood and a codependent relationship for over 3 years. I had lost much of my identity taking care of a man, his child and my two daughters.
I finally got him out of my home in March of 2017. It took a great amount of effort. I remember after he left, the freedom and serenity I’d found. Not long after I found that I was still living with myself and had to face who I was.
I’d prided myself on not having to take any meds for mental illness. I would find myself losing control often with him and his child. I would snap on them so quickly. I also remember doing this to my eldest.
I found myself laying around all the time, not caring to exercise, interact with anyone or clean. Now, I am a sometimes obsessive cleaner. So, when I realized that I wasn’t cleaning that something was wrong. I went to see my NP and got on some antidepressant.
Now, lets remember that Alcoholic/Addicts are depressive/anxious types. I did not realize that this was a problem until I was the only one I had to focus on. My depression did improve but I was still restless, irritable, impulsive and anxious. We then added a mood stabilizer.
These days I feel more like myself than I ever have, probably in all my life. I do not get as angry driving, yelling, cursing when I’m frustrated or flipping out on my kids. I am calm now and I can finally fit into my assigned roles and just cruise on down the road of happy destiny.
Now that you know the back-story:
Since I’m more settled these days I have come to understand how much of an Introvert I am. This has taken some getting used to. I do enjoy being alone with my own thoughts in my clean home. I definitely find myself lonely sometimes.
The phone does ring and people do text. But, a lot of the time it’s just me. I do not have very many friends. I do not tend to make time to reach out. I’ve always felt excluded Ever since I was a kid, really. I don’t get invited to parties or groups.
I am a very free spirit and a rebel. This has made me feel like I am too wild and weird to fit in or be accepted. The truth is that I have worked hard my entire adult life to buck against the system and be crazy. I’ve had to accept me for me and not make any explanations about why I am who I am. I know that If I ever come across a man, he will love me for who I am.
I have had to accept that I am an introvert. I wanted to think that there was something wrong with me. When in fact, I’d been like that all my life. I still feel strange in a crowd, like I’m invisible. At the end of meetings, I would sometimes find myself standing alone, no one talking to me. People will not seek to interact with me. And I had to understand that this lack of interaction does not mean there is something wrong with me.
It is strange to not attract others. There are times that I want to be alone but it happens more often than I would like. Thank goddess for Facebook, or I’d hardly interact at all. My introvert friends and I can banter and laugh all the time. I don’t know what my fellow introverts did before social media.
I do want to find a mate again someday. I haven’t known true, intimate love in over a decade. I have not known it in sobriety. Yes, sex is nice, but I crave companionship. So, I keep hoping although I don’t see much use for it. My imagination is my playground.
A very extroverted friend of mine asked me if I had a bunch of friends, I replied no. She asked me if I got lonely, I honestly answered no. My Netflix keeps me company.
Muunmomma 