Damn things have changed…

You think things will not change and you will continue on the same sobriety path. I can kinda blame it on some awesome sex and trying Kratom for the first time in March of 2018. I think it was all down hill from there. Today I sit here blogging for the first time in many months a bit high on CBD. I can rationalize this usage as things to calm down my crazy Bi-polar ass. I can say that this mental illness has progressed in the last year. I think anything that is of nature can help me to keep things to a dull roar, then we good. Crazy part about the program is honesty. I feel like this program has given me the healing I needed from my past and childhood. I fell like I’m just over it. It has taken a month or so to relax into my new life. I wanted to be closer to normal people. I felt so isolated before. Recently have come across to very broken men. I see them as an opportunity to use my healing arts. I feel more in tune and less guilt from not follwing as program. I’ve found myself becoming happier and kinder to the world. It’s a trip to have my sponsor checking in with me when she would hardly ever reach out to me. I know she’s trying to keep up with me. I respect that. I know that feeling of impending guilt that I hang myself on is something I need to work on. I hate that heavy, gnawing feeling when I have done something wrong. I have much less of that now. I do not feel so different from the rest of society. I am more aware and awake. But, I’ve said that already.

So, the probably fucked up part is that with all this change I’m going through; I have absolutley no desire to share this “relapse”. My girls in my home group and beyond don’t need to know anything about this. I need to learn how to keep secrets anyways. I do not want to lose my standing with them. I want to celebrate that I have not had a drink of alcohol in over 6 years. I feel like if I was to drink, that would be a true relapse that I would present to my support group. But they need know nothing of these minor changes. They do not know that I’m not working with a sponsor. Fuck it, it feels much better this way. Here comes that guilt pressure in my chest again. grrr..

I do excuse myself to be a bit more rough with those who wish to spite me. Many times again and again I have taken CES back into my life when all he wants to do is be a lazy bastard. But now instead of trying to be more “godlike” I’m standing up for myself and doing better at creating boundaries. I find myself being more willing to resist on a daily basis. The resistance must be fought as often as possible.

Focusing less on trying to further elevate my status per suggestion of the program has allowed me to fight harder for my daughters. I don’t know how else to explain this. I feel like am talking in circles. Writing though, has always been a good outlet.

I’m keep the date of 12/8/12 on my arm and presenting as such to the sober community as this was the day that I surrendered to save my life. That day things changed dramatically. Now, its almost weird. I’ve moved past that. I want to be able to enjoy my kratom and CBD buds whenever and where ever I so choose. Yes, they alter my mood; but fuck it. These folks don’t know what it takes to quiet this mind down.

I’ve tried the edibles. They made me tired and miss work and appointments. Although, latley I’ve been letting things slide. I need to back off the CBD bud and get back to hustling. Save it for the evening. Sure am glad it gets me lifted.

So, onward and upward. This fight will never end. I am confident beyond doubt that I will never drink again. I do not want it and give myself no reservation to do so. I have decided to never share my story again in meetings. I’m just not there anymore. Need to get past some resentments I have at full moon group. Pisses me off royaly when these grown ass men allow a predator to be amoung us and its the ladies’ job to watch out for our own. How like the patriarchy. Stupid assess

Experience, strength and hope

Benefits of long term sobriety

Moments where I was faced with relapse

Spiritual health

Taking care of my mental health. After I got my house back to myself,  I saw that it was just me. Yes,  the people in my house needed to leave but I still found that I was having uncontrolled symptoms. For the first time in sobriety,  I could focus on taking care of me. You know how everything always goes back to you. I realized that I was depressed, and later that I struggled with impulse control, anger and hostility. I was road raging really bad. I would even get the shower curtains stuck and curse like a sailor. 

While I was so proud that I didn’t think I needed to be on meds,  I realized that I needed them. I sought outside help and dilligently treat my metal illness. I know that today,  I feel like I’m finally balanced. I’m very grateful to be treating my addiction and mental heath as often those two run side by side for people like us. I can now pause wen agitated,  allow feelings to pass and not flip out on the smallest set back. 

#attitudeofgratitude I run an account on IG where i talk about sobriety,  share insights, really being open about long term recovery. and i know that outs not traditional but that’s my choice. I know that my story and my page help others. It’s a way to let newcomers know that there is hope. My friend who’d suggested that i come to full moon. She’d suggested that i attend the newcomers portion. I actually feel very connected to those members of our group that are always there. I try to speak up. Lord knows there’s enough men here,  that female voice had got to be heard. My feminism requires of me that I speak my truth. So yes,  I talk about feelings quite a bit in there. I guess that’s my way of helping those newcomers to understand that I’ve also been through that hell on earth. 
Trusting God till manage things. I fill my roles here in this life,  try to be nice and help others,  things just flow. Allowing my higher power to run my life allows me to relax. Of course this takes practice. and I’m telling you,  I you keep going in and out,  you may never understand how simple life can be when you choose a spiritual path. 

 When I push and try to make things happen,  I always end up with who emotional hangover. And if don’t know about you,  but that sucks. I’ve tried and tried. We try and try to make it better each time we drink/use. We’ve run our lives failing time and time again. So,  as we grow in sobriety, hopefully we learn to stop pushing and just let life flow. 

I know I’m one of those shiny,  happy people in AA. But it has become my golden ticket. A second chance yup make this life right. I have a respectful fear of the addiction I will carry with me to my death. I fear the anguish,  torture,  fear,  hate,  and hollow soul that comes with relapse and allowing my ego to run the show. I keep on my routine, work my program and tank to my sponsor often because I know if I don’t,  I will become a very nasty person. I don’t want to be psycho Jamie. I want to be the healthy Jamie that helps others. 

Hopefully in my next life,  ill not have to conquer sobriety again. But truly,  I’d live through every moment of that torture if that means again I could have the serenity and peace I carry I  my heart today. I have thought about how difficult we are to kill. So,  I ask myself why did I survive, why am I not in prison, why am I so blessed. I know that recovery from active addiction had then allowed me to help others find their road to recovery. That gives me dime of the greatest joy I’ve ever known. 

Thank you all for allowing me to share my story with you this evening. My love and gratitude to each and everyone of you. Thank you for helping me stay sober. 

My name is Jamie and I have no reservations. 

Introvert Problems

In the past I would use drugs and alcohol to be able to socialize. I found myself to be wild and free. I had the confidence to go anywhere and do anything. These days I do not have any chemicals to alter my awareness.

When I first got sober, I quickly jumped into a relationship and became pregnant. I was in the throws of motherhood and a codependent relationship for over 3 years. I had lost much of my identity taking care of a man, his child and my two daughters.

I finally got him out of my home in March of 2017. It took a great amount of effort. I remember after he left, the freedom and serenity I’d found. Not long after I found that I was still living with myself and had to face who I was.

I’d prided myself on not having to take any meds for mental illness. I would find myself losing control often with him and his child. I would snap on them so quickly. I also remember doing this to my eldest.

I found myself laying around all the time, not caring to exercise, interact with anyone or clean. Now, I am a sometimes obsessive cleaner. So, when I realized that I wasn’t cleaning that something was wrong. I went to see my NP and got on some antidepressant.

Now, lets remember that Alcoholic/Addicts are depressive/anxious types. I did not realize that this was a problem until I was the only one I had to focus on. My depression did improve but I was still restless, irritable, impulsive and anxious. We then added a mood stabilizer.

These days I feel more like myself than I ever have, probably in all my life. I do not get as angry driving, yelling, cursing when I’m frustrated or flipping out on my kids. I am calm now and I can finally fit into my assigned roles and just cruise on down the road of happy destiny.

Now that you know the back-story:

Since I’m more settled these days I have come to understand how much of an Introvert I am. This has taken some getting used to. I do enjoy being alone with my own thoughts in my clean home. I definitely find myself lonely sometimes.

The phone does ring and people do text. But, a lot of the time it’s just me. I do not have very many friends. I do not tend to make time to reach out. I’ve always felt excluded Ever since I was a kid, really. I don’t get invited to parties or groups.

I am a very free spirit and a rebel. This has made me feel like I am too wild and weird to fit in or be accepted. The truth is that I have worked hard my entire adult life to buck against the system and be crazy. I’ve had to accept me for me and not make any explanations about why I am who I am. I know that If I ever come across a man, he will love me for who I am.

I have had to accept that I am an introvert. I wanted to think that there was something wrong with me. When in fact, I’d been like that all my life. I still feel strange in a crowd, like I’m invisible. At the end of meetings, I would sometimes find myself standing alone, no one talking to me. People will not seek to interact with me. And I had to understand that this lack of interaction does not mean there is something wrong with me.

It is strange to not attract others. There are times that I want to be alone but it happens more often than I would like. Thank goddess for Facebook, or I’d hardly interact at all. My introvert friends and I can banter and laugh all the time. I don’t know what my fellow introverts did before social media.

I do want to find a mate again someday. I haven’t known true, intimate love in over a decade. I have not known it in sobriety. Yes, sex is nice, but I crave companionship. So, I keep hoping although I don’t see much use for it. My imagination is my playground.

A very extroverted friend of mine asked me if I had a bunch of friends, I replied no. She asked me if I got lonely, I honestly answered no. My Netflix keeps me company.

 

What it’s like as I age

Well, I’m 40 now. That was a big milestone for me. I will have 5 years sober in December of 2017, goddess willing.

 

I am funnier and still love to be out there strutting my stuff. I know that as I get my body back I will be even more confident. I like to look at my ass in the mirror. It is definitely lifted after all this work on the elliptical. There are days that my hip and my knee hurt. I know that I need to force myself to keep going and at least do some yoga if knees can’t stand the elliptical.

I’ve been gluten free for a while but have recently gone vegan in the last few months. I can now say that I am stronger and more energetic than ever. I actually want to work out now. And, I am seeing muscle definition with improved stamina. I love working out and am so surprised to see what my body can do. I will say though that my joints get more creaky with all this exercise. Oh, and for the first time in my life I can touch my toes!

So, since going vegan I have shaved my head. I wanted to get rid of the chemically processed hair. I just woke up one morning and had the thought “you need to shave your head” and then had that same thought later that day. I just went with it and made a clean start. The hair that is now growing in is my natural dark blonde with silver patches and streaks.

To be embracing my inner crone is delightful. I feel so much more natural. Co-workers and friends have made many comments on how lovely I look. I even had one female co-worker tell me twice that a woman as beautiful as me doesn’t even need hair to look stunning. I have noticed some hot flashes coming on before my menses. That is no fun at all.

I’m embracing and adding to my beauty. I know that eating well and exercising will help me to stay looking young. I have added tattoos and found a great artist. If the universe is willing, I will never have another tattoo artist work on any major work. I plan to have my left arm be floral and spiritual and my right to be rockabilly and goth. That dichotomy definitely encompasses my yin-yang.

I am finding that I am much more confident these days. I really don’t give a fuck most days what others think. I am more, however, attuned to others reactions and responses.

My psychic nature has been growing as well. I am sensing and seeing things more. I saw an orb for the first time the other day. I trust my senses more now. I can feel when something is off. I think I’ve actually captured a ghostly mist for the first time. I have asked for increased awareness and it has been maturing.

I’m embracing my inner Empath.  I have experienced many “knowings” right  before things happen. I am trusting those gut instincts. I am learning to better trust myself. I feel more connected to nature and earth than ever before. I find myself enjoying the little moments. I still am on my phone more often than not but I am aware of the need to change. I know my baby needs me to be more connected.

My eldest is becoming interested in the Craft. Last night she helped me sage and cleanse the house to help keep any and all spirits from my home. The house felt lighter after the cleanse. I have had spirits follow me home. I can’t stand this. I want my home to be a safe haven for me and my girls. My mamma nature is so pleased that my firstborn is searching for the path of the Goddess. I told her long ago that I gave her to the Goddess as a symbol of my commitment to her. I earnestly hope that the Goddess will make her presence known to my child. I am beyond grateful.

Improve relationship with my eldest. I put her through hell for most of her young life. She then, did not like who I was when I got sober. It’s taken us many years to repair our relationship. She now wants to love on me and snuggle. I finally got her the same meds I’m taking for mood stabilization. With her now following my path, I hope that will get us closer. I hope as well that her path to the divine will keep her off the road to addiction.

I am more socially and politically aware. I have declared myself a feminist. I have marched at a rally and been a part of the worldwide women’s march. I have a feminist tattoo that I had done this year.

I’m taking care of my mental health, finally. I have had to work through barriers in my long-term sobriety. When we think that other people are the problem, we are dead wrong. It always comes back to us. It’s very common for alcoholics to have depression and anxiety issues. It is extremely common for us to have social anxiety. That’s initially how we feel isolated and different.

I have come to realize that I have anxiety and depression. I am now on meds that are really helping me to cope. I feel much more like my real self. I am fairing much better. I definitely am having an easier go at life these days. Self-care includes addressing your mental health.

I’ve been a true part of my family. My aunt passed this year in June. I was able to help my family transition her into hospice. I was able to be the hospice resource as no one else in my family is familiar with that. This has brought me closer to each of them. I was able to visit her in her last days. Her and I made our peace. My mom was with her when she was dying. She called me and put me on the phone with my Aunt. I told her that she was going to pass and to let go and go to heaven. My grandmother was so touched that I told her Daughter to find heaven.

So, all in all I have made great strides. Long-term sobriety is so important. I had no idea who I was when I started this journey. If I hadn’t kept sober, I would not have begun to find out what I needed. I type this today as a healthy, sober mother.

So be it as it is and Blessed Be

 

 

I’m crushed

Today I feel like a victim but I know that I had something to do with it. My bad behaviors and negative attitudes are coming to light. The people I work with are not tolerating them anymore. It is old behavior to get comfortable somewhere and then behave how I wish.  I’ve never really understood how to do a good job as a worker and keep my job safe. My ego and my sense of pride and need to be in control always mess me up. I can go along for weeks and not even notice I’m affecting other people. Then when it comes to light I feel broken and humiliated and angry. I ask my higher power for the willingness to change and grow, I know that I’ve already done a lot of growing. the perfectionist in me sometimes just gives up because I can’t be the way that I should be it’s all excuses and alibis. Then I know that there’s going to be people in any job that are going to challenge me and demand that I behave better. I have incredible amount of fear when it comes to shining light on my poor behavior. I worry about my pocket book and my ability to keep the life I am accustomed to. I stop calling my sponsor because I feel like I’m doing fine then everything comes to a head. I wish I knew how to Change . I wish I knew how to fix this.  I feel shame and embarrassment and I don’t know what to do with those emotions . I can understand why my difficult coworker will talk condescendingly to me because I piss her off . I’m so scared to lose my job and I have come close to losing it already . I just want to get better, I just want to grow up .

Goddess, I pray for the willingness to change  or the willingness to be better than I am now.  I ask for a leveling of my pride and my dignity I can be that humble person somehow . I know that I come from a completely different environment where emotions and feelings are not always center stage . And I get a thrill out of sliding by and doing the bare minimum or misbehaving by breaking the rules . I feel like I can only work on one thing at a time and then when I’m presented with a multitude of things and being picked apart I don’t even know where to start .

I just want life to be simple and status quo and not have to do anything or change anything I just want to be happy joyous and free .But I know that I have to grow up and change .Spending many years in active addiction halted my ability to grow spiritually emotionally and successfully .Because of that I am behind the 8 ball when it comes to work .I hope that my boss will work with me and help me to grow and change .I need to start with little things like not watching videos while in working ,Not bring anybody upstairs, not being judgmental or negative to Southern people .I need to be quiet about everything that is going on in my life unless I am with people that I can trust .I just need to be quiet and play things close to the vest .I need to keep to myself .

Today I’m broken but I know I need to be. I trust the goddess to give me the space to grow.  I banish negativity from myself and my co-workers.  I bind those that wish to harm me.  I bind the selfishness and arrogance in me. I pray earnestly for another undeserved chance at success. I don’t know how to fix it but I am willing to change.

I could not sleep. I tossed and turned all night long with my mind racing. But, I walked into worked today with my chin up. I hugged my boss and said I was sorry, He said we will talk later. And I knew that was coming. I forwarded him the email that was sent to me by my difficult coworker. I agree with the faults she presented in that email and I told him I was willing to work on those things. But.. she had no right to send me something like that as if she was my superior. That’s the problem with codependents. They love to show you all your frailties. I should know, I always have a temptation to do that.

I just spotted her here now, I didn’t even make eye contact. I want nothing to do with her. I’m not the only one who is not a fan of hers. I know I need to pray for her. I was actually feeling better but now that I’ve seen her, my anxiety is going up. I just took a Vistaril. That will help. I hope that does not make me tired. Its a small dose, so…

I’m still nervous about having to resolve this situation with her. I feel like there is now way to resolve this. I have never felt comfortable around her. She has been bitchy for so long. We’ve worked together for over 2 years. I only have to work with her one day a week but usually I’m not looking forward to that. I’m willing to change my behaviors but I will no longer be talked down to or have these snide remarks from her. I have no damn patience for this bullshit. Yes, I’m still angry but I will not have anyone bullying me.

They changed my meds Monday, hopefully to help my anxiety to settle. I will tell my boss this. I was manipulative and controlling while using an excuse to behave this way. That is very old behavior. That is not the woman I wish to be. That is not who I am. That anxiety that leads to a freak out is not who I want to be. That kind of behavior affects my ability to keep my job and I fear losing a job more than anything else.

I know that I should be meeting with my boss at some point. I know that the Vistaril worked really well. I’m just chilled out and calm. I will just wait for him to call me.

I’m honestly glad that she sent that email. It made her look very foolish. I wonder what she thought the outcome was to be, other than to blackmail me. I think this would have all looked like my fault if it hadn’t been for that email. Ha!

But then, who knows. The boss may focus on all the crap she wrote and try to weed me out. Who the hell knows.

As with all things, it will be what it will be.

I just finished speaking to my boss. I was honest with him and apologized for my behavior. I let him know everything that happened and what was on my mind. He is so great to hear me out. He hopes that we can all sit down together and try. I told him that she gets so defensive, making it so hard to communicate. I told him to give me some time to collect my thoughts before we sit down. But I am open to it.

So, on to another day with hopefully more serenity

 I’ve been working hard on not engaging,  not responding and not reacting. It’s been hard. I’ve got to take anxiety meds (non-narcotic) to help me cope through the day with her fucking ass.

Tonight, another coworker that I get along with very well,  sent me and the bitch a meme. She didn’t mean to send it to the bitch. Of fucking course,  she went off and responded. Always trying to say she cares about me. Bitch,  you trippin. Don’t even play.  I did not respond. Just forwarded her dumb message to my sponsor. Stupid!

Her passive/aggressive, whiny bullshit affects us all. Codependent energy is infectious. People that live in this behavior system have no idea what they’re into. I’m grateful to be on the other side. Very, very grateful that she is not apart of my family. 

I know she’s a sick woman. But the only way to deal with her is to ignore and disengage. No matter what I do,  she’ll have a response. Ignore,  engage,  discuss,  etc.. none of it is safe. 

She is not a safe person. So,  yes she is blocked from my FB, I dint want to be het friend. And of course that pisses her off. So,  i just keep trudging along,  taking care of my own damn self. 

I’ve been through this with my mom. She’s tired to pull this shit with me when her sister was dying. I disengaged and it a was very successful tactic. Of course made her mad but it worked,  nonetheless. 

Peace out bitches,  rise above!

Her and I actually made peace after a psychotically busy Sunday. We agreed that we were both sensitive codependents who get a little grumpy but we aren’t trying too be mean. 

We had a good Sunday thereafter and I’m hopeful for the future. 

Goddess’ grace,  prayers and forgiveness wins it all

 

Self-Respect

I’ve heard it said that if you want to respect yourself, you should do respectable things.

I’ve struggled with being alone and wanting to be connected to another human since my breakup. I’ve been in a relationship for the majority of my time in sobriety.

Sometimes I crave attention if only just for sexual gratification. But I realized that I need to respect myself and not put myself out there. It’s hard to not be with another person but I have to save myself. I need to respect myself enough to wait. It’s not easy but I know that I can do it. I’ve gotten through so many other things in my life that I can do this thing.

My sponsor says I need to get used to being alone. I definitely experienced this when I separated from my first daughter’s father. I didn’t know what to do with myself because I didn’t have a child to take care of. But back then I filled my time with drugs, alcohol, anything that could have tracked me and things that weren’t good for me

So today I’m watching a movie and painting my fingernails and toenails. I’m going to go see my sober women and go to dinner with them. We will go to a meeting after that. And then I’ll come home and go to bed. I might see my musician friend tomorrow but that will just be a bonus. I have to remember that I’m grateful to have the time to myself and the time to detox from being a mother. Having a three year old is no easy feat. She’s been really really whiny lately.

I really enjoyed going to my women’s meeting. I enjoyed spending time with the sober ladies. I feel finally accepted by them. I am going to continue to spend time with them. I need to spend time with my ladies. It is the best thing for my sobriety.

I have stopped obsessing about being intimate with men. I had it in my mind that I was overdue for some good dick. I had left my long term relationship and was hot to trot. I know realize that those things will come to me in time. Good things are worth the wait.

I mostly have time for myself and my girls right now. I honestly don’t have the resources to date. Doesn’t mean that I won’t keep looking. It’s entertaining.

I do feel more free and less agitated trying to arrange for these dates. I am finding comfort in myself and my alone time. I am not yet willing to give up Tinder. It’s entertaining. I still want to put myself out there just to see what may come up.

I now have the opportunity to help my young sponsee learn how to grow up and be respecting of herself. Men will treat us as we allow them to. They will always be dogs, most of them anyway.

Whatever happens, I’m happy to be in my own skin. Such is life..

Being respectful of others means doing the right thing even if it’s not comfortable or uncomfortable. I told my musician lover that I had exposed him to STD’s. It was horrible of me not to tell him ahead of time. So I had to tell him after the fact. He thankfully handled it very well. I hope to not lose him as a lover but I will not lose him as a friend.

Surprisingly when I’ve made amends to my family and friends, most take it well and forgive. I’m grateful to have worked through my 12 steps in AA and Codependency. I have made my amends, I have righted my wrongs. Now comes the continuance of righting wrongs as they arise.

 

The courage to end things.

Tuesday I took my 2 Daughters with me downtown to attempt to make a legal eviction. The father of my youngest Daughter is the subject of my other posts about codependency and why I’m leaving you.

I spoke to the lady behind the clerk desk and she explained that unless I could prove ownership of the home, I couldn’t legally evict. I was stunted, I felt utterly hopeless.

I then walked the girls over to the family safety office. I know the Director there. Just getting into the office was stressful. I asked to see her, she reassured me that I was in the right place. I didn’t know what else to do but place an order of protection against him. I hadn’t wanted to go that far but it was my only option.

He had threatened to harm my eldest Daughter the night of the Oscars. He then threaten twice more, saying he would accept the consequences. He had been financially abusing me for years. I had been stuck in that situation for so long that I was too far in to see the reality of how dampened down I had been. I had been living in my own prison. I had tried to get him out of my home but he would never leave. I finally just gave in and let him stay. I was not happy at all.

I am actually grateful that He threatened to harm my child. If he hadn’t I would not have had the strength to make the report. The SW was able to help me to see how abusive he was. And the father away I am from him the more I see how horrible he was.

The SW helped me to write up the statement to the commissioner. I was so nervous to hold up my right hand to swear but I knew that I had to do something. My codependency kept telling me that I was being too mean or drastic. I kept pushing forward. While we waited for the commissioner to decide on the temporary order of protection I felt this wave of understanding come over me and I heard the goddess say that we were going to get the order. And of course we did.

I was so scared and nervous to come home that afternoon. I was grateful that my eldest had come with me, I needed to do this for her and for myself. I had been distancing myself from him since he made those threats so when I came home and did not acknowledge him, he was used to it. I tried to keep myself busy, took a shower and began to make dinner. I didn’t know when they would call him from the sheriff’s office.

I was cooking when he came upstairs with his phone on speaker while the sheriff was speaking. He told me know that he was going to have to sleep in his car that night. I told him that this happened because of his threats and that I was done. He gathered up his belongings quickly. He said he was going to be back. He was cursing and saying how what I did was a low blow. He told our Daughter that “Mommy did a very bad thing”. He kept slamming doors. I thought that he was going to try to take our Daughter with him. I then had to call the police, he said “Do what you have to do” I was on the phone with my friend until he left and the cops got there.

After he left he texted and attempted to call me. He had yet to pick up the order from the sheriff’s office. When the cops arrived, I showed them the text message. They asked me if I wanted to press charges. I said no, just wanted a record to be made of it. They wrote up a report and were very supportive. I made sure to help my Daughter to understand that the cops were nice and had nice uniforms. He’s yet to contact me since.

The day after he was gone, I found I could finally breathe again. I had no idea how deep I had been into that hole. I didn’t know that I was so chained. The new found freedom was a little scary. My mind kept thinking I was guilty but I began to realize that he had exercised a lot of control over me. He had even bullied me into getting pregnant.

I became very anxious the day that I went back to work. I was not able to eat and my guts were angry. I was able to tell my coworkers about the progress I had made. They were happy for me. I called my sponsor on the way home from work, she was able to calm me down. I was really worried about being alone. I had a great big book meeting that night and I felt much better.

I had been obsessing about exchanging our Daughter. My dear friend helped me out. He had been texting her that this was all some elaborate plot. She told him to calm down. When I was driving up there I began to get nervous again but I prayed and the tension left me. The exchange went well over all. I ended up parking right near him without realizing it. He quickly moved his car. It was all a little too close for comfort but it was ok.

That evening I went to eat with my sober ladies and had a really great time. I even talked to a lady that may want to rent the lower half of my house. I hadn’t even prayed for that yet, just came my way. Now I have to clean out the lower half and put all his things in storage. I’ve asked my landlord to send him an eviction notice. My sponsor is going to help exchange her this Sunday.

So, if you’ve read my other story about long overdue passion.. I had a beautiful night of sexual healing with an old friend. My friend was commenting that all these amazing things were happening to me now that I go him out. All of my girlfriends are happy for me, they were all waiting for me to make the right move.

I have these amazing moments of serenity and clarity. I’m very happy over all. I feel free and so happy to have my weekends to myself. I have not lived alone save one month in my 4 years of sobriety. Life is amazing today and I am truly blessed. The future is all laid out ahead of me. I am no longer a prisoner in my own home.

I hope that once he is out of the house officially then I will be willing to lift the order. I know that trying to be amiable co-parents will take some time. But, I had to help him understand that I was completely done. I feel safer now. I don’t want the order to last indefinitely, not at all. I am very grateful for the separation, the clear and definitive boundary that has been created. And I do get some gratification knowing that he is obeying the order because he fears jail time. That is a really neat thing.

The last two nights I have slept through the night which I normally do not with my Daughter there. I woke with joy and a refreshed energy. Some of that happiness of course from the decadence of Friday night.  I have still not wanted to eat as much as I used to. I’m wondering if I was just stress eating. I’m working on getting back into shape so I can feel confident when I go back to CA.

It was not easy but since I have been working my Codependent 12 steps, I’ve been able to distance myself enough to finally get away. I wish I hadn’t had to cut things so severely but he was not going to leave and I really didn’t want him in my house any longer. I really didn’t want his kid their either. Having a quiet weekend to myself was the best ever!

I write this to encourage all people that are in abusive relationships that they too can have the courage to leave. The courage to strike out and make a great change. There is support and laws out there that can and will protect you. Remember: If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Update:

We went to court to for the Order of Protection. The judge dropped the order but instructed him to remove his things from my house and never come back. I was overjoyed at the miracle that happened today. I am so pleased to officially and legally have him out of my home. Now, he just needs to get his things out. All in good time.

Months later – 

Now that he’s out of my house,  I actually enjoy his company and we’ve been having sex. And its been nice. I’m happy

WHY I’m ok alone…

I finally took initiative and made my codependent, abusive baby daddy leave the house. It was a bit dramatic and scary. I filed a restraining order and he had to leave that same day. I’m now having the owner of the house send him an eviction notice.

I’ve lived with other people in my entire four years of sobriety except for one month when I had my own space. So being alone is new for me. I was nervous to be alone at first.

I’ve always though,  been independent, Headstrong, freethinker. And I’m excited to spend time by myself. I like being alone and I like being with me.

At first I thought that I could not be alone but I remember that many times in my life I have been alone and have been very comfortable with it. I’m actually really enjoy the quiet that I’m experiencing. The freedom that comes from being alone is truly amazing. And for the first time in many years I feel like I’m able to breathe freely. I’m no longer a prisoner in my own home.

Sobriety can be tricky but if you work a program and do what you’re told to do,  life gets easier. Your brain will always try to mess with you and tell you things that are crazy. But over time and with continued sobriety those noises and voices in your head get quieter and easier to the negate.

I’m going to California to visit family soon. I’m excited to travel alone and to be out there without any ties to any other human being. I can come and go as I please, spending my time with anyone I choose. Live life to the fullest because I want to. No longer feeling responsible for a man.  Phew,  that’s a big deal.

The transition period for me is simply a matter of dependence. I am a feminist and a strong female character. So that being said, I really should not inherently rely on a man. I had become used to the man living in my house,  doing manly things. But I can do those things!  I don’t need a man around to help me. I had fooled myself thinking that I should let him stay so that I didn’t have to be without his help. But that’s not a reason to stay in a relationship.

I’m lying here in my bed on an early Friday morning. And knowing that I do not have to be accountable to any man is an amazing thought process. I am very happy just being me. I am grateful for continued sobriety and that I have worked my twelve steps so that I can be at a place of Peace. Emotional turmoil is no longer a daily problem for me. I have my support group and people that I can rely on for help.

Enjoy lying in bed, watching Netflix, spending time with my sweet daughter, taking walks, reading books, doing yoga, eating healthy, being quiet in the little simple moments. I’m taking a great investment and getting myself healthy and thin. I’ve been overweight and unhealthy for too long. Interesting that I get out of a relationship and I actually feel like eating less. I must have been stress-eating.

Today I am not afraid to be by myself and to be self-sustaining. I have my life back. I’m turning 40 soon and I’m so glad that I was able to cut out that cankerous man from my life before I turned 40.

I’m excited to find new friends and lovers. I’m excited to be officially on the market. I do plan to find men that are honorable, healthy and have an attitude of gratitude. I used to seek out the lower dregs of society because that’s how I felt I was. But I know that even in my heavily tattooed skin I can find someone that respects me and has an upstanding life.

I am grateful to be on my own and to be happy. I am glad that even in the upcoming challenges and unexpected and unknown possibilities that I will remain sober through it all. I don’t fear what happens next, at least I have to tell myself that I can trust goddess to keep me safe.

I spent an entire weekend alone after I came home from vacation. I woke up one morning with the front door open. Here I am staying alone and I leave my house unsecured! AHH! That was scary.

I did enjoy being alone even though it felt strange. I really like having my nights off from my Daughter. I need that down-time so I can take care of me. I took a bath both nights and did plenty of self-care. That’s the most important thing, that I care for myself and get used to being alone.

There is a difference between being alone and isolating. I found myself isolating while on vacation and when I came home. I cannot do that. My alcoholism thrives on isolation and poor program maintenance. I cannot slip into isolation.

I need to force myself to go out and see the women on Friday nights. It is new for me but they were most warm when I did meet them. It’s a getting out of my comfort zone activity. I just need to make myself do it.

I’m planning on spending Friday nights with my sober ladies.I still want passion in my life! 

Child Abuse Survivor

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I lived next door to that man for 14 years. My Father, the man that should have protected me simply did not. I came to find out years later that he was also a child molester. He had been accused but never tried for the rape of a 5 year old boy. My Dad is a homosexual and a pedophile. Not to mention an alcoholic and drug addict.

I found myself watching a British documentary about pedophiles today and I am overwhelmed by a feeling of nausea and anger, mixed with Sadness. I hurt so badly for all the children who were and are now being abused. I had to turn it off because it was making me so sick. There was actually public groups in Britain in the 70’s that were promoting Pedophilia. That’s just plain outrageous. And with the human trafficking going on all over the world. My brain is not able to conceive all this. I wish that I had the resources to combat this.

Both of my parents were sexually abused and it carried on to me. They had not dealt with their own issues and so the abuse continued. It’s by Goddess’ own grace that my eldest was never abused. I educated her and tried to protect her as best I could. The grace part comes through as I was in my addiction and was not protecting her as much as I should have. I have another Daughter now and I worry about her. When she was a baby my mind would imagine that her Father was raping her. I don’t know where those images or thoughts came from because I do not think that happened to me.

I’m grateful that my father and I are estranged today. I do not think I could have handled trying to heal and grow if he was still in my life. He once went to court to be a character witness for a friend of his that had been purchasing child porn on the internet! This still makes me sick. Its not pornography people! It’s visual documentation of child abuse.

My dad loved to be around teenage boys because he was attracted to them. He brought many around under the guise of mentoring them. Many of these boys kissed me and touched my chest. I do not think that any of it went in my private areas, nevertheless, that doesn’t make it right. And I believe that my parents knew that older boys had kissed me, and yet nothing was done. I have forgiven my mother for this because I knew she was doing the best that she could. But I still sit here feeling weak and hurt. I can’t understand why I had to go through this. I let these things happen because I wanted the attention and sometimes they felt good. But that does not make it right, by any means. I should have been protected and sheltered.

Once I even enacted the abuse on a neighbor boy because I thought going down on boys what what you were supposed to do. So, even as a child I abused another child. I enacted that behavior many times on men and even used that behavior to manipulate and gain attention and future company.

I finally got up the courage to confront my abuser and file a police report. The state of CA had thrown out a time block of child abuse cases on the basis that court representatives and coerced children into naming things that didn’t in fact happen to them, thereby giving false testimony. Maybe though this was a way to protect the pedophiles. Maybe the people that enacted this time block were abusers themselves. Be that as it may, I stood in my rented room on the phone with a sheriff’s officer hearing him tell me that there was nothing he could do as my abuse fell within that time block.  A piece of my heart broke that day that has never healed. It took great courage to report that abuse.

I had confronted my abuser face to face. I told him that I forgave him after I apologized to him. I no longer hate him. I just struggle with my own father and the many years I have worked on forgiveness for him. Again, grateful he is out of my life.

Going through the things I’ve been through have warped my mind. My brain will show me scenarios and ideas that are not of my own making, not a mental illness issue. These are just simply the results of what I have been through and the ways that I have compartmentalized these encounters. The reactions that I have to abuse and images really troubles me. I cannot fully explain what it’s like to have a brain that does things that you do not want it to do or be.

My Father never even taught me about drugs and alcohol. Being that he was in his own addiction, it makes sense that he was only in the business of self-seeking. It makes me very angry that he was working in the inner city and was very aware of what drugs and alcohol could do to people. I was incredibly naive. I’m grateful that Goddess was able to speak through my intuition that it was best to go to college locally. I know that if I had gone away that there is no telling what kind of depravity I would have sought out for the attention I so desperately wanted. Of course, I sought it out later in my addictive years.

I speak about my sexual abuse when I speak at AA meetings. I want people to know that they are not the only ones that went through that. And maybe someone in there is thinking of harming a child and by my courage they may change their minds and seek help. I had a young man come up to me and thank me for speaking about the abuse as it gave him strength. I could see the pain in his eyes and know that someone had hurt him.

If you have read all the way through this, I thank you. I write this as a bit of catharsis in dealing with the varying levels of healing. I spent 16 years in addiction trying to seek something that could never be found. Today with Sobriety and the Grace of the Goddess, I have that peace and enlightenment. I do plan to work with a counselor and receive some EMDR to deal with the PTSD. I hope for much continued healing.

I earnestly pray for the souls that are affected by abuse and human trafficking. I pray that my Daughters and your children be kept safe. This world is a very ugly place. But today I do not have to be controlled by the history of my pain.

Blessed Be

Why I’m leaving you..

This is a letter of catharsis. I need to get this out of my brain in a way that can be understood. I wish that I could send this to my Ex. But I’m sure he would not understand.

Chuck,

I’m leaving you because there is no love left in my heart for you. I will try to explain why I simply will not put up with you any longer. Knowing that you won’t read this is helpful in that I do not have to mince my words.

The biggest issue I have with you is your lack of motivation. You spend the majority of your life sitting on the couch watching TV. It seems like the TV is your girlfriend. You spend much more time with her than you ever have with me. Because of this time you spend sitting down, so many things in your life get missed. You don’t even keep up with the toddler because you are too busy. Meanwhile she is trashing the house.

Perhaps you just don’t care about finishing projects or completing tasks. You don’t care if the house is a mess, if the yard is a mess, if your Daughter’s room is nasty with food on the walls. You haven’t cleaned a bathroom in the 7 months we’ve lived at the new house. You have not begun to look for another job since I told you we were over. You find the easy way out. No wonder you enjoyed me caring for you so much.

My own Mother has seen how lazy you are and does not like you. My close friends have asked how we ended up together in the first place. They cannot see why were together at all.

You enjoy me taking care of you. I paid for your phone, your gym, your groceries, your utilities, your dinners. I am absolutely sick and tired of thinking that I have to be responsible for your needs.  You are sad that we are breaking up but a part of me thinks you are grieving the loss of the woman who made your life really comfortable.

You were not trying to endear yourself to me before I told you that I was leaving. Now you are moping about and trying to win my affection. How does that even make sense? Where were you when I needed the affection and care? You were good with letting me sleep in. That was nice but that’s not enough to sustain a long-term relationship.

You weren’t parenting you other Daughter. I was made for the first two years to think that I thought I had to watch her. Of course her and I never got along. My anger towards you and the miserable relationship we shared was directed at her. You do not follow up with her like you should. You have been taking responsibility for her and that has helped my stress level immensely. I am now allowing myself to feel the anger towards you that I had long hidden, thinking that I had to please you and make you happy. Horribly wrong.

You lie and argue. You have a tendency to throw up an emotional brick wall in front of me when I try to discuss things, give you constructive criticism or ask you to do something around the house. Far be it from me to ask you to actually get your ass up off the couch!! I have caught you in lies and half-truths many times. I know that you’ve had the opportunity to tell me things I’ve said that you know I won’t remember.  You downplay things I say and argue with me even about mundane things that are of no consequence. How do you think that can ease communication? It doesn’t!!!!!!

You are old, fat and your apparatus doesn’t work. You would only maybe sleep with me once a week. After I told you I was leaving you made an effort. Sad. I will not miss trying to be intimate with someone that I’m not attracted to. I am so looking forward to actually finding true passion in my life.

I often wondered why with all the time you had before he met me to further his education or career goals. But now that I know what a lazy ass you are, it makes perfect sense. You have no ambition. Like his stupid wife says, he’ll go where the money is. And he went straight for me. There’s a term for people like you “country trash”

My grandmother asked why I was leaving you. I told her about you and that I had been trying to make this work for over 2 years. She instantly stopped asking me questions when she knew that I had tried. And she is a woman that is all about staying in it for the children.

You can be most antisocial, racist and uncaring . You actions towards me and the world  do not show love. People that love their partners do kind things for them and endear their lovers. You have failed to keep me as happy as I deserve.

Love is an action word and if someone is not able to show their love then they probably don’t love you like you deserve. When you love someone, you make an effort to show they that you love them so that there is no question in their minds. They are likely just dependent on you. Dependence is not love, its just plain sick. You will no fool me into thinking that you need my help and you can’t live without me. My dear friends had to help me see that I needed to be rid of you. I was so dependent

You don’t have insurance, you haven’t divorced your stupid wife, you’ve driven around with Uber and Lyft without car insurance. You haven’t done your taxes in the 3 years I’ve been with you. You say you will do something and then you never do. I refuse to put up with this anymore. I am so happy to wash my hands of you.

I have tried and tried and have no try left in me. I have become responsible for you. I somehow know that the opportunist in you cooked this up knowing that when we met I was vulnerable and weak minded. You arrogant prick. Now you’re trying to give me gifts and try to make you feel sorry for me. Well, guess what? Not happening today.

I cannot wait until you are out of MY house and out of my life. I will likely have to remind you to stay out of my business. You thought I was your girl but you don’t know what happened in Atlanta.

Goodbye Asshole.

thank you for reading, I needed to get this out.

Evidence of further codependency:

Do you see how this was all about him? I clearly was not ready to look at my part in this. But I will say that through all this I have worked through my resentment towards him. I was very stuck in the past and all the inventory of wrongs on him that I’d been collecting. I was angry that the past had happened instead of accepting it and moving forward. We agreed to stay in the present and deal with things as they come. I was honest with him that I had been hiding things and not being honest with him. He listened well and heard me out. It felt so good to talk things out and talk through my feelings.

And somehow we are on good terms. Its just the process of letting go that takes time and varied emotions. I could not have believed that He and I would be on good terms. He must have worked his magic mojo on me or something. We’ve been enjoying each other’s company and are back to being amicable friends. I can’t hardly believe it.

I’m so grateful for self-discovery and the process of the program. I’m grateful that He is working his program and allowing me to move on with my life. It ought to be interesting to see what kind of woman he digs up later down the line. Ha!

So when we were enjoying our time together I was sleeping with him again. He got me roped back in. It has taken months to separate my emotions. He now lives downstairs and pays utilities. He knows he is still on point to leave

And with all said and done I have forgiven this man and he is staying. I do not have the same love for him but I do care for him. I had to separate myself from him and I have done this. Perhaps when our child is older I can walk away. I’m glad to have him now to help with her.

The above comments were just a horrible symptom of abuse and codependency. I had given in but I was never happy. He would not leave and I became weak and let him stay. He was not paying utilities and now they are all over 2 months past due. He finally began to give me money each week when I asked him but that was only for about 3 weeks.

I have gotten him out of my home. It took many  months and lots of support but I’ve done it. I can now breathe. I didn’t know how much pressure and stress I was under. I had no idea how horrible my living situation had become. I had become accustomed to living with an abusive man. Clearly he was a threat if it took so long to get him out.

He cried to the judge that he had nowhere else to live, was homeless and bouncing from couch to couch. The judge told him that he was going to have to keep bouncing. He literally was asking the judge to come back to my house, even after the lawyer had announced that the landlord had served eviction. CRAZY!

So fucking glad this is now over. Here’s the kicker: He filed custody papers and is now going to have to pay me! If he hadn’t filed, he wouldn’t have had to pay me much at all. He doesn’t have the money anyways. Oh this is all hilarious.